I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
