1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Come share oat with me in your robe
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
