Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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