Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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