my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
