The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
