He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
