Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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