If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
