I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
