I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
