That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
