my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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