moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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