well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I checked into jail on foursquare
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
