the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
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Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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