I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
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She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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