I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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