alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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