Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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