Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
