im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
