hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
