the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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