Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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