I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize