I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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