My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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