I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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