I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
