All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
