You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
