We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
