we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
did i just pee glitter
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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