I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
