ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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