Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
