I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
