My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
