where am i from again
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
