The maid of honor just puked.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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