I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
