im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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