I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
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Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
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Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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