plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
