my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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