awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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