WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
