i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
