there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
