She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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