i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
