Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
