walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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