YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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