We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
