im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
