you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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