Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
