Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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