your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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