I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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